Complaining and Getting What You Want

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Now for the tip…

Many of my coaching clients are feeling lost. They say things like…

“I’m f’n tired and confused and EMBARRASSED…

…I don’t even know what I want. I *should* have a vision, right? I *should* know what I want to do, right?”

And I can relate. I’ve certainly been there. It just isn’t very ‘manly’ to admit feeling lost.

But here’s the flipside — Later in the conversation, this same guy can go on a tirade of complaints.

“These f’n people I work with are idiots.”

“I’m sick of the boring, repetitive work I do.”

“I’m so tired of my house being a human barn.”

“And don’t get me started on my relationship. My sex life is on life support.”

Sound familiar?

We all know this complaining is non-productive. It’s draining. It even has a tendency to drive caring friends and family away with its toxicity.

But I see a silver lining to this cloud of complaints

I believe that underneath the complaint is a DESIRE. An ideal. Something you want.

This same guy — the one who is freaked out and embarrassed because he doesn’t know what he wants — actually DOES know what he wants. He just doesn’t see it.

Let me explain.

The complaint tells us that whatever IS happening is NOT lined up with what he wants.

Somewhere in there is a desired outcome. And because reality isn’t lining up with this desired outcome, he complains.

On the other hand, if reality was lined up with his desired outcome, he’d be cool. There would be no complaint.

So my challenge for this guy is to turn his complaint into a request.

Let’s do a little archaeology and reveal his ideal, his desired outcome.

A conversation with him might look like this…

If you don’t like working with “idiots”, who do you want to work with?

“Cooperative, creative, fun and open-minded people.”

If you’re sick of the kind of work you’re doing, then what kind of work would be satisfying?

“Something engaging, fun and challenging. I want a variety of responsibilities. And I want to be free to make decisions as I see fit.”

What about your “human barn”?

“I want to live in a clean, orderly place. I want my home to be a sanctuary.”

Your relationship? Your sex life?

“I want my partner and I to support one another. I want us to have fun again. I want us to find ways to play. And I want to feel desired. I want to know that I turn her on — that she wants me as much as I want her.”

Now we’ve got something to work with. At this point, the ideals are pretty general, but they’re a solid place to start.

I want to emphasize a big point…

This is how a VISION is created.

Taking this conversation deeper, the next steps — the next *baby* steps — will emerge.

And as his coach, I’ll hold him accountable to actually follow through. Progress will be made.

So the big lesson?

Instead of getting mired in the dead end of the complaint, use it. Recognize that the complaint is really a request in disguise. Get curious about the complaint and clarify what you do want.

It’s right under your nose.