Masculine Power: One Reason She May Not Have (More) Sex With You

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Below is a transcription of this video.

Why isn’t your partner having sex with you? And what does that have to do with a 10 foot dick? We’re going to talk about both in this video.

I’m Tripp Lanier. For over 12 years I’ve spent thousands of hours coaching folks to get out of the rat race, become an authority in their field, and make a great living doing the work they were put on this earth to do. And for more than a decade, I’ve hosted The New Man Podcast which has been downloaded millions of times and can be found on iTunes or Stitcher.

Even though most of the work I do with men is focused on their work in the world, relationships always become a part of the conversation. After all, what good is our profession if it’s not empowering us to feel loved and appreciated at home?

And one of the challenges I see so many guys dealing with is sex. As in, “Why am I not having more sex? What can I do to have better sex or more frequent sex?” This is coming from men who, from the outside look like they have it all together — the great house, the great job, the wife, the kids. And yet, sex seems to be an area where these guys are perpetually frustrated.

There are way too many reasons to explore why our partner may not want to have sex with us more often. But for the purposes of this video, I want to talk about one of the essential reasons sex is happening less frequently. And I’ve got a — let’s say — unconventional practice for dealing with it.

I believe in the power of taking responsibility for our life experiences. As in, if I don’t like how things are going, then it’s up to me to look at the things I can do to make a change. Blaming and criticizing and bitching about others is not going to create a solution.

So if some guy’s partner isn’t wanting sex with him, it’s up to our guy to ask himself, “Why would she WANT to have sex with me?”

And this is where most men get it wrong and think they need to go buy some cologne or get a new haircut. Taking more showers may help, but it doesn’t speak to a much deeper concern which is:

How are you penetrating the world?

In other words, throughout your day are you showing up powerfully? Are you speaking up for what you want? Are you owning your physical and mental space? Are hiding out or making yourself small? Are you hiding what you want in order to keep the peace?

Many of us have learned to get by — and do quite well actually — by simply being “good” men. We’ve learned to be obedient. We’ve become domesticated. We go with the flow — “Hey whatever you want, babe” or “sounds good to me” or “happy wife, happy life!”

Which means most of the time we’ve learned to push down that part of us that takes initiative and owns what he wants. In order to keep the peace or avoid conflict we deny our ability to speak up for what we want and take the lead. Being forthright, speaking up for ourselves, owning what we want, being a contributor — that’s what I mean by penetrating the world.

And it doesn’t matter how often we go to the gym, or how many guns we own, or how much money we have in our bank account. I’ve seen guys at all levels of success who are playing this “nice guy” game — and their sex lives are only one of the casualties.

In fact, I’ve coached guys worth millions who are badasses all day long but they come home and basically become invisible in their own homes. They hide in their work or phones or television or alcohol or porn. They think they’re doing the right thing by “staying out the way” but even though they may be physically in the room — their absence is felt. They’re not owning their space. They’re not engaging the room. They’re not being a contributor. They’re not penetrating that part of their world.

And I’m by no means immune to this. When I’m unconscious and fearful of owning what I want with my wife, I can turn into a 9 year old brat. And in those moments — when I’ve essentially turned into a burden for my wife, another child for her to care for — it’s very easy to see why she would not want to have sex with me.

If we’re not penetrating the world then our sex lives will reflect this, too.
In caveman terms, if we’re walking around our world like a limp dick then we can expect our sex lives to reflect this, too.

And I want to be clear, when I talk about owning our power I am not talking about domination. I’m not talking about being domineering or looking to overpower others — especially women.

In fact some could say that a desire to dominate is a sign that we’re not owning our power in the world enough. That desire to overpower others is a reaction to feeling powerless inside.

I’m simply talking about owning who we are and what we want in the world in a healthy, compassionate, and integrated way.

Now we may blame others and say that the world is scared of our power — especially unhealthy masculine power — but most often we are the ones who are scared of ourselves. We associate power with hurting someone’s feelings or being offensive or making someone uncomfortable. And when we’re stuck in that fear, we can’t see how we actually benefit others when we lead our own lives with compassion and skill. We can’t see how much our leadership is needed — especially in our homes and families.

I firmly believe our world will be a much better place when we learn how to be more conscious, responsible, and compassionate with our power. No more hiding and no more dominating.

There’s a skillful and compassionate and integrated way to be powerful in the world. The New Man is all about having balls, brains, AND heart.
So if we’re uncomfortable with our power, then how can we practice owning it — especially in a way that won’t hurt the folks we care about?

I can’t remember where this practice came from — if it just came to me in a coaching session or if it was in a David Deida workshop or whatever. But I want you to hear me out before you write it off. And I want to be clear that this is not a catch all for every sex related challenge.

So first — let’s take sex off the table for a while. Let’s shift the focus away from your partner and sex and simply focus on you for a bit. Now as you go throughout your day — the meetings, the presentations, the conversations with your wife, all of it — I want you to imagine that you have a 10 foot dick.

That’s right. You heard me. No one else has to know, but I want you to privately imagine that you have a 10 foot dick as you go through all of your daily activities — especially the areas where you’ve been hiding out.

Instead of hiding out, I want you to feel the responsibility that this monstrosity brings. Because let’s face it — there’s no hiding a 10 foot dick.
Again, this isn’t sexual. It has nothing to do with possessing a penis large enough to terrorize Tokyo. It has nothing to do with being more desirable because of your size.

Having this imaginary, enormous dick is a way for us to learn how to stretch and become more comfortable with our own power and energy. Because if we can’t be comfortable with our power, then how will anyone else be comfortable with it?

And I know what you’re thinking, “Tripp — are you freakin’ serious? Why does it have to be 10 feet? Why not 9 feet or 8 and a half feet?” Look this practice is meant to disrupt our patterns of hiding behind others. It’s meant to push our buttons around power. It’s meant to be alarming.

Now, I know this practice is ridiculous. But I’m not joking around. Don’t knock it til you try it.

And as you try it, notice how you feel, notice how you respond. Do you act all shy or goofy or timid like a middle school boy? Do you puff yourself up and act all tough like some 80’s professional wrestler? Or do you feel the weight, the power, and the responsibility like an adult?

And as you work this practice over the coming weeks, here’s the thing to keep in mind when it comes to integrating our power: Can you feel that power AND still feel compassion for others? Can you own that power AND still use your brain?

Spend a few weeks really dialing this in, and then see what impact it has on your work, relationships, and sex. See how this affects the way you show up and speak up.

There’s more to life than simply going with the flow or keeping the peace. And there’s more to power than simply dominating others. Here’s to you finding ways to be a leader that is both powerful and compassionate. Best to you, have some fun, and thanks for watching.